"Experiencing another's loss causes us to relive our own." - Alicia Z

A couple months ago, I learned of a young man taken from his friends and family before his time...at least to me, and - I think - to everyone who knew him - before his time. In believing that God has a plan for us all, I can only believe that it was his time - though to me it makes little or nosense...

I never met this man, never knew him...I only know of him through his sister, a remarkable person who has become quite a dear friend these past few months...and in getting to know her I have come to experience a little of the loss of her brother - something I know affects her in the most profound ways.

I know of Brett only through conversation with her and stories written on a web page dedicated to his memory that I came across on the internet.

Apparently Brett was quite a giving person...kind, fun-loving, and full of life. Dearly loved by friends and family and deeply appreciated by all who knew him. I read the writings of so many people, touched by a young man who was only beginning to live...and my mind starts to travel back in time...

It's been awhile - 19 years - since someone who lived similarly and who was similarly loved by all who knew her - was taken from us. Kind to all, always willing to lend a hand or an ear or offer support in any way she could. Happy-go-lucky and always able to see the good in any situation and any person. Seldom angry, never bitter, fun-loving and true to her word...and someone who taught me how to hug. This was one of my dearest and closest friends. Cindy was a joy to be around...she lived life simply, truly and more fully than most anyone else I've known. Though she was in my life only a short time, she has influenced me like no other...

I remember meeting Cindy my Senior year of high school...I was the principal oboist in All-District band and she was the principal Clarinetist...and she seemed to have an awful lot of solos in the program. She seemed rather quiet - a bit too meek, I thought, to be playing 1st chair in an All-District band. Of course, I was too busy goofing off, getting in trouble for climbing onto the roof of the domed auditorium to eat lunch with my friend John - who was the last chair clarinetist and about as rambunctious as I was...and of course my best friend, Eric, a slightly crazy sophomore who liked to hang with us seniors.

I didn't think much about Cindy...just that she was a nice person. I was surprised the following year at Pride auditions (for the OU marching band) when she recognized me and struck up a conversation...I didn't recognize her at first...but then realized she was that somewhat annoyingly quiet clarinetist that the All-State director kept telling to play louder...

Over the course of our freshman year, I got to know Cindy and we became close friends. She seemed to have this "way" about her...she was always peaceful and those around her seemed to be more at ease when she was around...not that she never stressed - she just appreciated life and those in hers...and it showed in everything she did.

I learned that she had had Cancer while in her senior year in High School and had been in remission for some time. She told me about how she'd skip school...the sun would be shining, birds singing and the lake calling - and after recovering from Chemo, how could one resist the urge to bask in the sun's warmth and spend time with her twin sister and her friends?

Talking with her gave me insight into life that I hadn't had before...I didn't have the appreciation for the "small" things that she had nor did I feel the joy that she so often showed...it was refreshing!

We had many great times together...over the course of the year I got busy with school and friends and she was heavily involved in band (which I didn't make that year), school work and her boyfriend Rocky, who became her fiancee at the end of our freshman year...yet we could usually make time to hang out, go for walks, eat pizza at Pinnocchio's or listen to "definitive" recordings of all the 'best' classical music...or sit around the practice building and talk.

I remember the last time I saw her my freshman year was for a big party that the OU school of music put on...I had discovered alcohol that year but had not yet figured out my limits, so I was a bit inebriated. I was busy goofing off but she found me and asked me to dance...it was the first time I had danced with a girl since I was 8 or so. The song was 'You're the Inspiration' and at the end of it she kissed me on the cheek and told me she loved me...in my drunken stupor I wasn't really able to appreciate that moment...but I have relived it many times since and it is one of the sweetest and purest moments I've exprienced. To this day I have not danced to that song again.

We lost touch a bit over the summer but I came back to OU early Sophomore year and it was like we'd never been apart. Rocky had moved to Arkansas and left her with a ring and a promise...

For several weeks we hung out, talked about everything and anything...I was having issues with my girlfriend at the time and her insight helped me be calm.

Then, a few days before school started, something happened...Cindy started feeling ill but she also felt 'strange'...her neck was swelling on the sides and she wasn't feeling too well...she was trying to decide whether to go to Goddard "Death Center" (OU's clinic) or to go to her own doctor back home. When I felt her neck I got this strange chill and a knot in my stomach and a feeling of something bad...and so encouraged her to go home to see her doctor.

As it turned out, she had relapsed - some kind of Lymphoma - by the end of the week she had disenrolled from school and moved back up to Claremore with her parents...almost in one moment going from a happy-go-lucky Sophomore in college to a Cancer patient and within 10 long months of enduring Chemo Therapy and fighting for her life, Cindy passed away peacefully exactly one month before her 20th birthday...

I have often wondered what it is that determines when one is ready to move beyond this life...and why it is that those who seem to enjoy life the most are the first to go from it. I know that many, much wiser, people have pondered this question and failed to find an answer. I would say that perhaps it's when one has learned the lessons we are all meant to learn in life...or perhaps it is random...from where we stand - this side of life - I don't believe we can know...

I often hear "God has a plan" in church...I don't get it! that used to freak me out...now the only answer that allows any kind of peace is to have faith that He does...

Cindy's headstone reads "This World was never meant for one as beautiful as you"...I wonder - can this happen? Can one become so 'beautiful' that the world simply can no longer contain them?

I wonder...

It's funny, it seems this year that I've been giving her example a bit more thought...remembering her and visiting with her in the land of dreams.

Experiencing others' loss causes us to experience our own...I experience my friend Alicia's brother...the way he dropped what he's doing to help a guy work on his bike or to hang out and watch a movie, his "screaming Jagers" - a drink he made up with one of his friends - and that many - including me - partake in his memory...

And as my mind travels back in time, I experience memories of my friend, I see her as a senior with her sister and Becky - swimming in the lake near their house, driving around Claremore enjoying the sun and the breeze rolling in off the plain. I remember her love of music and art and her desire to teach and her hunger for knowledge. I remember her commitment to her values and how much she valued those she loved.

I remember her excitement about...everything, be it Sooner's football, music theory, music history, going for a walk around campus, buying a new wig to go see the Chicago Symphony, or even a days rest from the sickness that followed her chemotherapy.

It is easy to be sad...but she would not want us to be sad. She would want us to celebrate life, not mourn it's passing. She'd want us to go outside and feel the wind blowing through our hair and the sun's warmth on our faces. She'd want us to sing - and dance - and play music - and learn all that life has to teach us, to be our truest selves and to live life as fully and as completely as we can. To laugh and to smile and to bring laughs and smiles to those around us. To face life's challenges with the vigor of life itself. To praise God for our lives and all of the blessings we receive on a daily basis in the form of life itself, health, friends, family, and this beautiful world we live in...it would be her wish for us to focus on these things and to celebrate her memory in living life to its absolute fullest.

I think of 19 years that have passed - Cindy is still there, I know, watching me from above...hopefully talking to God and asking him to be patient with me. Over the years I am sure she has pleaded on my behalf - I've certainly needed it - and given me a few nudges to keep me on track...

I think that, if anything, the years have taught me that while I am sad at the loss of my friend, I am happy for the times we had. I am grateful to have known such a person. I am happy for the appreciation of life that she had a hand in giving me. I have no doubt that she is up there in heaven...perhaps enjoying a screaming jager or a dip in the lake, playing her Clarinet and marching in Heaven's band, if there are such things up there.

When June 19th comes, I will be thoughtful - and perhaps a little sad...but I will dedicate the day to her memory and enjoy it to its fullest. When July 19th comes, I will again think of her and I will wish her a happy 39th birthday...and hopefully I will remember to call and express to her twin sister, Christy - who remains a great friend - wishes of happiness, love and friendship...

In her 19 years and 11 months of life, Cindy lived more than many live in a lifetime. She was ready to move on...as the song engraved on her headstone reads "This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you".

Thank you Cindy...and Brett...for your example on what it is we are here to be. Thank you for your inspiration and for showing us how it is that life is meant to be lived....Thank you for the experience of you...and the light you bring into this life even now...